The past few years, feral pythons set free by people who had possessed them for pets, have
been wreaking havoc in Florida by eating everything that moves, and for many years feral hogs have
caused problems in many states including parts of Kansas. A couple years ago my sister purchased a
house in Florida and she informed me then that feral chickens (yes, you read that right) were becoming
the new scourge in Florida. Now I can understand how feral pythons and feral hogs are a problem. After
all, neither of these are something you can just plink with a pellet gun when you spot them in your
backyard. But when it comes to feral chickens, my country-boy mind is not allowing me to fathom how
on God’s green earth wild chickens were allowed to become a problem!
Now I’ve always been proud of how we Midwestern country folk solve problems, and I think I
may have stumbled onto my part-time retirement career. There is no better chicken thief than a wiley
coyote, and the last I checked, this country has plenty of them too. So this year instead of turning all
my coyotes into fur coats, I’ll keep them alive and develop a stable full of already-trained-4 legged-
chicken-assassins. I know a guy at the edge of town who works out of a dark garage hidden in a plum
thicket behind his house, and he seems to have an unlimited supply of electronic parts. He assures me
he can take an off-the-shelf solar-powered electric fencer, juice it up a little Tim Taylor style, combine
it with a cheap GPS unit and a police tazar, and rig it all to work with a remote. I’ll dart each coyote so
they’re sedated long enough to fit them with a small backpack containing the amped-up fencing unit. At
the same time I’ll install a muzzle-shaped apparatus with prongs sticking out from it that will keep the
coyotes from munching on small children, but still allow it to easily ingest a chicken. Regrettably, that
will also mean they can still inhale small pets like cats, but hey, we don’t want a feral cat problem too!
It’d be sort of like BOGO nuisance control – Buy One (service,) Get One (free!)
Now it’s time to locate those neighborhoods fraught with feral fowl and release a few of your
wired assassins. Early mornings will probably be the best time; the chickens will be up, but no one else
will, and the fewer people that see a coyote wearing a backpack stroll across their lawn, the better.
Now go to the nearest greasy spoon for some scrambled eggs while your covert coyotes ingest a few
feral fowl. After a couple hours it’ll be time to head back into the hood’ and begin gathering your
troops. The GPS unit on the dash of your pickup will show you where each trooper is. Merely drive as
close as possible, hit the tazar button on your remote and the coyote will instantly become a quivering,
shuddering, four-legged bowl of jelly long enough for you to swoop it up and toss it into the cage in the
back of the truck. Repeat this until all the feral fowl cleanup crew is gathered, then head home and go
fishing the rest of the day while the coyotes relax in the shade and process the mornings take. These
guys will also make a dandy rabbit or rat cleanup crew as well. I recently saw a video clip on You Tube
of a coyote running the streets of Chicago where they have reportedly actually been released to help
control a growing rodent problem.
Well there you have it, another case of technology, good ole’ American ingenuity and Midwest
creativity coming together to solve a problem. Contact me now for your franchise starter kits and be
prepared; you never know when a feral-fowl problem might hit us right here in the Midwest. In the
mean time I’ll be cruisin’ the internet to learn how to train a coyote to retrieve. I wouldn’t mind havin’ at
least one on the crew that would bring me a chicken now and then for the table.
Steve can be contacted by email at email@example.com