I’m writing this column on Friday afternoon before the Great Presidential Election of 2016 — otherwise known as the dirtiest, filthiest, crummiest, most scoundrelly, crudest, most uncivil election in my 73 year old memory.
Never in my life did I think that the only two candidates for president would both be dyed-in-the-wool, thoroughly-urbanized New Yorkers. But, I did my civic duty and cast my ballot early this week.
Folks, it wuz a lot like making a choice of which manure lagoon you had to swim in — the local corporate hog guy’s or the local commercial feedlot owner’s. Finally, I just closed my eyes, held my nose and jumped in and hoped for the best..
I’ll say no more and by the time you read this column the nation’s voters, legal and otherwise, counted or otherwise will have set our nation’s course for at least the next four years and possibly for the next 40.
In light of the foul mood the nation is in preceding this election, I decided to finish this column with some of the most inane, shallowest rural jokes I could find. To complete the deed, I dug off my bookshelf a dog-eared tome entitled “Jokes: Hours and Hours of Great Laughs,” copyrighted in 1980 and published by the Waldman Publishing Corp (of you guessed it — New York). Folks, it wuz a simpler life 36 years ago, also less politically correct and funnier, too.
Here’s some of the stuff I found on it’s pulpy, yellowed pages:
- What do you call a minor accident between a duck and a goose? A feather bender.
- What do you call a lady rural mail carrier? How about a mail female.
- Do ears of corn get dandruff? Sure, haven’t you ever heard of corn flakes?
- Grandpa to pre-school grandson: “You look tired this morning.” Reply: “I am. I couldn’t get to sleep.” Grandpa: “Did you try counting sheep to make you sleepy like I do?” Reply: “That doesn’t work for me like it does for you because I can only count to five.”
- What happens when two porcupines fall in love? They get stuck on each other. What happens when two skunks fall in love? They have a smell of an attraction to each other.
- City girl to rural boyfriend: “Yesterday I went to the beach and got my skin tanned.” Boyfriend reply: “Big deal. Yesterday, my dad tanned my hide in the woodshed.”
- Do chickens jog? No, but turkeys trot.
- Bum: “Sir. I’m down on my luck. I was wondering if you could give a guy like me a decent, home-cooked meal.” Farmer’s reply: “Sorry, pal. My wife’s doing the cooking tonight.”
- Farmer to salesman: “Do you stand behind your merchandise.” Salesman reply: “Not on my life. I sell mules.”
- And old rancher went to his doctor and complained, thusly: “Doc, my arms hurt, my stomach hurts, my back hurts, my feet hurt, and my neck and shoulders hurt too.” Doctor: “Relax. I’ll just tap your knees with this little hammer to check your reflexes. Well, your reflexes are fine. How do you feel now?” Rancher: “Now my knees hurt, too.”
Teacher: “Joey, if you had 20 milk cows and I gave you 20 more, what would you have?” Joey reply: “A good start on a nice dairy herd.”
- Good advice for a hen: “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”
- Farmer with pet duck in a bar: “My pet duck here is really intelligent.” Bartender reply: “Prove it. Make him tell us a few wise quacks.”
- Why did the farmer put his milk cow on the scales? He wanted to see how much the Milky Weighed.”
- Can a pig drive a car? Sure, everyone’s familiar with a road hog.
- Poor farm boy to mother in the Great Depression: “I’m starving. I hope we have a lot of things for supper.” Mother’s reply: “You’ll be happy to know we’re having beans and peas.”
- Farmer to wife: “Why are you driving so fast, dear?” Wife’s reply: “Well, we’re about out of gas and I want to get to the gas station before we run out.”
- Headline in local rural paper: “Many antiques at Senior Center this week.”
- Another rural headline: “Smith much better after being kicked by horse.”
- Homemade sign in front yard of a farm house: “Free kittens. Ready to do a lot of mouse work.”
- A whooping crane is really a stork with pneumonia.
- You only live once, but if you work it right, once is enough.
- Farmer to banker: “It’s an unfair world.” Banker: “Why do you think that?” Farmer: “Bad TV writers make lots of money, but I write one little bad check and I’m in a lot of trouble with you.”
- Lawyer definition: “Someone who protects your estate from all enemies so in order to appropriate more for himself.”
- A pessimist is an optimist who tried to practice what he preached.
- A rural philosopher is one who, instead of crying over spilled milk, consoles himself that milk is four-fifths water.
There, that ought to be enuf drivel to keep your mind off the election results.
Hope your harvest is done and wuz bountiful. Hope, your cheap calves are sold so you can quit worrying about selling them. Enjoy no frost yet in November in the Flint Hills. Have a good ‘un.