It is during our darkest hours that we come up with our best ideas. That was certainly the case with my latest get-rich-quick scheme, “Ewes In The Yard, Inc.”
In the middle of our ongoing drouth I was driving through a residential area in town and could not help but notice all the nice green grass going to waste. It became so painful for me to see green grass that as the drouth worsened I could not even go to town because it was too traumatic. Then like a lightening bolt a thought struck me. (Thank goodness it doesn’t happen often). Why not have all those folks when they mow their lawns bring me the clippings and I would feed them to my livestock? Better yet, why not sell every urban grass-grower a very expensive sheep?
It seems very inefficient to spend all that time, energy and money to grow a lawn and then just throw the grass clippings out with the trash. If every urbanite would just run one ewe on their front lawn they could fertilize, water and aerate at the same time. In addition, the sheep would produce the three necessities of life in America today: food, clothing and a government subsidy.
After hearing of my idea I had all kinds of sophisticated investors throwing their money at me for part of the action. The one thing they all shared in common was that they were tired of their wives nagging, “Honey, when are you going to mow the lawn?” Ewes In The Yard, Inc. would free up weekends for more important matters like fishing, hunting, barbecuing and watching football games.
Just think of the potential! Do you realize how many lawns there are in this country going unused just because of a few archaic zoning laws? Of course, those folks who live in colder climates will also have to own a home in the Sun Belt and ship their sheep South for the winter. But under the “simplified tax code” I’m pretty sure both homes would be a huge tax write off. But you might want too double check this with your accountant.
When the FDIC finally reopened my bank I ran the idea past my banker and he loved it and said I would have no trouble getting financed. Of course, he’s the same guy who turned me on to shares in Radio Shack.
Next, I took my idea to the university and after running a complete cost/benefit analysis, whatever that is, their computer said that running sheep in the city actually was better than the country because there are no coyotes or other predators in the city. At least predators of the four legged variety anyway.
About the only people who weren’t crazy about my city sheep idea were the lawn mowing manufacturers and the gardeners. But most of the latter in my area are here illegally and aren’t going to call their Congresspersons to raise a big fuss.
I had three Rent-A-Ram Franchises sold and a distributorship on net-wire fencing locked up before I decided that it might be a good idea to field test my idea before I put a sheep in every yard in America.
I had an ex-friend who agreed to let my sheep in his yard for only 50% of the company. He had a nice green lawn that needed mowing with a six foot high concrete block wall all around it. The sheep would be perfectly safe, we thought. We turned three of my ewes in his yard one evening about six o’clock.
The results of the field trial were, shall we say, less than satisfactory. The next morning my ex-partner slipped on some sheep manure when he went out to get his morning paper and wrenched his back requiring hospitalization. The sheep did not eat the grass but instead had eaten every single ornamental shrub in his once beautiful yard. Of the three sheep we had turned in the night before one was dead, one was sick and trying real hard to die, and the third sheep had vanished in the night. In other words, Ewes In The Yard turned out to be exactly like the regular sheep business.