Downsizing surprises

Laugh Tracks in the Dust


As I’ve mentioned before, ol’ Nevah and I are in the process of downsizing our lives. It’s pretty much mandatory because of our advancing ages. And, we can’t deny it’s getting more and more difficult to keep up with everything that needs done at Damphewmore Acres.
Plus, when we get our new home built, hopefully by next fall, there simply won’t be enuf space in the new house and garage for all the current “stuff” we possess. We made sure of that on purpose!
So, the two old pickups are gone and a big pile of my writings and collections already have found a new home at Texas Tech University.
Now, a downsizing auction sale for us is somewhere on the horizon. And, last week I began that process by starting an auction list from items in the outbuildings and the garage. So, far the list is lengthy and getting longer by the day. I started by listing all the motorized equipment, implements and attachments.
Then I moved on to all the tools and items I use in gardening, raising chickens, and maintaining the place. All the hunting and fishing gear followed. So far, the list is on the 4th page, and we haven’t even started listing from the house itself. For sure, every item in our basement will have to go — plus lots of stuff from upstairs, too.
While I was sorting drawers and cabinets of stuff in the garage, I got some surprises. First, down on the bottom shelf of the work bench, I dragged out an almost full roll of brand new, long-forgotten 12-gauge copper wiring, and a big box of new electrical plugs, switches and plates that we can use in the new home. I’ll bet I couldn’t replace it for $200.
But, the biggest surprise was when I uncovered a thin plastic carrying case stashed among the decrepit electric drills and saws. It wuz too thin to be a power tool and too big to be a discarded filleting knife. So, imaging my surprise when I opened the case and inside found a brand new extravagant set of drill bits and drivers in full geometric display— wood, metal, Phillips, hexagon, flat — every kind and size you could imagine.
And the weird thing is this: I can’t remember ever buying the case of bits, nor do I recall ever receiving them as a gift — which must be what happened. At first, I wuz a bit peeved at myself because I could have been using them for years. But then I realized that I could take that full set of bits to our new home and sell at the auction all the odd ball, misfit drill bits kits that I’ve been using.
So, it just goes to prove that everyone should go through their old “stuff” every once in a while. You might be surprised at what you uncover.
One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small rural church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly farm widow put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money and I tithe a tenth of it to the church.”
The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot. Are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?”
The elderly woman answered, “$10,000 a week.”
The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That’s an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice?”
The woman answered proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cat houses — one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.”
A busy farm wife was called to come to her daughter’s school for an emergency meeting with the principal. Her daughter was in the 9th grade.
When she arrived and entered the principal’s office, he told her, “I thought you should know we have discovered proof that your daughter is part of the drug culture. Come with me and look.”
The mother went with the principal to her daughter’s locker and opened it.
“See that,” he said. “It’s pretty plain to me that your daughter is into drugs!”
The astonished mother looked at the principal, pulled a book out of her daughter’s backpack and saw “LSD” was written all over it.
The mother turned around and said, “Our daughter’s name is Linda Sue Davis, you idiot!”
Words of wisdom for the geezers, like me, and geezerettes, too: “I’ve reached the age where ‘happy hour’ is a nap.” “Do you realize that, in a few years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies and gents running around with wrinkly tattoos?” “After 60, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you’re probably dead.”
Have a good ‘un.



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