I miss my mom and my dad, but I’m eternally grateful they didn’t have to endure this virus and all the other completely asinine social issues of our day. Neither of them would have understood wearing a facemask, social distancing or any of the other ills that currently plague our nation.
I’ve decided I better brush up on my “gender neutral” writing skills, and look at me, I couldn’t make it through the first sentence without possibly offending someone. In place of “mom and dad,” I really need to learn how to use the pronouns “human who carried and birthed me” and “human who provided the other half of the equation.” I’m concerned a restaurant “menu” will soon become “a list of possible dishes for purchase,” Men at Work” signs will now have to read “humans with bellies that cause their pants to sag and reveal too much to passersby attempting to make a living,” and a “hymnal” will become “a book of praise and worship songs,” (with absolutely no mention of the Deity to whom those song are directed; yikes, there would be a can of worms!) And if you’re looking for an investment or to open a small business, my money would go into a sign company, as there will soon be a slew of bathroom doors across this land in need of new signage.
And the great outdoors will not be immune to the new gender-neutral verbiage either, as every species on this earth comes with both sexes, if that’s still a thing. Some species won’t be affected much, as we usually don’t categorize them as one particular sex when referring to them. For instance, fish are usually just fish, coyotes are usually just coyotes, bears are usually just bears etc. References to some wildlife though will have to become gender-neutral. When referring to deer, elk and moose, bucks and bulls will have to be called “representatives of the species that grow antlers in the summer, loose them in winter and are tasty when made into summer sausage, jerky and tenderloins.” Does and cows will need to be referred to as “representatives of the species that grow no antlers, and often taste even better than the representatives that grow and loses antlers.” Neither will the terms “hen” and “rooster” be allowed when referring to pheasants. Roosters will possibly be known as “brightly-colored representative of the species that grow long tail feathers and taste yummy with a side of ranch.” Hens might be “dingy-colored representatives of the species that raise the young and are never spoken of when shot by mistake.” Although peacocks are rarely spoken of by gender, they are in fact peacocks and peahens. That won’t work for sure, so male peacocks will become known as “representatives of the species that grow big beautiful tailfeathers and roost above your car at night, making the expected mess.” Peahens will become “drab colored representatives of the species that raise the young and roost at night where they will also make the same mess on your car below.”
Now, I know these new gender-neutral animal and wildlife descriptions can get quite wordy, but anything to be politically correct and stay abreast (probably can’t say that either) of the new “woke “generation, and all you who know me know I’m all about political correctness. By the way, “woke” now means “alert to injustice in society, especially racism,” and has nothing to do with the old-fashioned description of the first half-hour of the day when I’m the crankiest…Continue to Explore Kansas Outdoors.
Steve can be contacted by email at [email protected]