Just Ask The Sexpert (Best Of)
By Lee Pitts
I have been married for over 46 years and still don’t have any children. That’s probably because everything I know about sex education I learned in a hardware store. So asking me to explain the birds and bees is like asking a cowboy to demonstrate proper table etiquette. But a lady friend of the family whose husband had run off with a pole dancer, whatever that is, asked me to explain about male and female relationships to her only son.
Now the first thing you have to understand is that Otto has never been what you’d call real quick on the uptake, although he could spell his name both backwards and forwards. To make matters worse, Otto had led a very sheltered life. He hadn’t even seen a full length mirror until he was 17, but that was just as well because he wasn’t exactly what you’d call “a parlor ornament” to look at either.
It was only natural then that Otto’s mother was more than a little worried about Otto’s complete education, if you know what I mean? After all, he was 25 years old and some day he would leave the house and meet real girls, instead of the ones on his phone.
So it was that Otto had come to spend a day at the ranch to learn about biology in nature’s bordello. It was a very cold day and before we could proceed with Otto’s education we had to fix a couple broken water lines, victims of the cold snap. As we were fixing the pipes a brilliant idea hit me in the head. “Otto, you know about plumbing and pipes don’t you?”
“Well, I can turn on the water faucet and have flushed a toilet before, but that’s about it,” he replied.
This was going to be harder than I first thought. “You see this piece of pipe Otto?” I asked, showing him a four inch nipple. “It has two male ends. Then there are things like elbows and caps that have female ends. In that respect pipes are like people.”
I thought I saw a spark in the blank look that Otto usually wore so I bore on. “This piece of pipe that we bought at the hardware store has two female ends and if we screw these two male nipples into the female ends we have what is known as a union, kind of like man and wife, except they don’t get divorced every eight years. Do you understand?”
“What does the elbow got to do with it?” asked Otto, giving new meaning to the words “pipe dope.”
I thought my efforts that day had been a total failure but a couple months later when Otto announced to his mother that he was getting married I was loudly applauded as a great teacher. I purchased what I thought to be a suitable wedding present, a red Rigid 12 inch pipe wrench, and stood with Otto on his wedding day, like the proud father that he never had.
The happiness of the wedding day was soon replaced however by anticipation. Everyone knew that the newlyweds desired to raise a large family but a terrible thing happened… nothing. For five long years Otto and his wife went childless, although it was widely known that Otto’s house had the best plumbing in town. Otto’s mother, wanting to be a grandmother in the worst way, thought I had failed miserably and would hardly speak to me.
But last week I’m glad to report that Otto became a father for the first time and I, in turn, a proud godfather. I even bought a box of chocolate cigars and passed them out. His mother even began speaking to me again.
As Otto and I took turns holding life’s biggest wonder and stood gazing in amazement at the baby that might never have been if not for a broken water line, Otto looked at me with that wonderful stupid grin of his and said, “Lee, you should try it some time. It’s a lot more fun than plumbing.”