Laugh Tracks in the Dust

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    Last week, I attended the surprise birthday party for my young friend Ben denPitchett. It wuz Ben’s 20th birthday — what he called his “cusp of manhood” birthday party.

Now I’ll mention that Ben was not born and raised an Aggie in any sense of the word, but he’s been a willing and able student of all things agriculture for the past year.

Ben’s willingness to learn new things about agriculture became the pretense of the “surprise” in his birthday party. How so, you ask? Well, because he thought he would be participating in a Bovine Pregnancy Checking School. So you can imaging his surprise when he entered the room and saw 50 or more of his friends waiting to sing him “Happy Birthday” and with nary a cow brute in sight. A local deejay kept the music cranked to background the festivities.

After Ben blew out the 20 candles on his birthday cake and shared it and ice cream and other goodies with his guests, he got another surprise — he WAS indeed going to learn to palpate a “cow” to determine her stage of pregnancy.

The local AI technician, ol’ Armin Cider, wuz on hand to instruct young Ben in the procedure. He’d hung a woolen blanket to block off an open door to the utility room. Armin explained that he’d cut a slice in the blanket to represent the “north end of a southbound cow,” which was the “portal” into which the preg checking would occur.

After Armin fitted a plastic sleeve over his arm and helped Ben do the same, Armin pushed his arm through the “portal” and told Ben he was searching for a small water balloon, which would indicate that the “cow” was with calf. After the demo, he said it wuz Ben’s turn to try his skill.

So, our intrepid pseudo-cattleman pushed his arm through the “portal.” But, instead of feeling a water balloon, a prankster behind the blanket gently dropped the jaws of a mouse trap on Ben’s fingers.

With a crowd-pleasing “YaaHoo,” Ben jerked his hand back and sent the mouse trap skittering across the floor.

Everyone had a good laugh, including the star of the party. Afterwards he opened cards and gifts and, as Ben said himself, “This was the best birthday party of my life.”

Only in rural America can you find bovine pregnancy checking at a birthday party and everyone think it’s funny and appropriate.

***

An old geezer, a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical booth at the county fair in order to raise a little side cash.

He put a sign up outside his booth that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic. Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000.”

Dr. Young, a new physician in the county saw the booth and thought “this old geezer doesn’t know beans about medicine. This is a great opportunity to get $1,000 in free money.”

So, Dr. Young went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic and this is what transpired:

Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please cure me?”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put three drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: — “Aaagh! That was gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back the next day figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything. Can you cure me Dr. Geezer?”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put three drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor Young:  “Oh no you don’t. There’s gasoline in that bottle!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young, after having lost $1000, leaves angrily and comes back to the fair the next morning.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see! Can you cure me?”

Dr. Geezer: “I don’t have any medicine for that so here’s your $1000 back.”

Dr. Young: “But this is only $500!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

Moral of story: Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer !”

Thanks to Missouri reader, ol’ Dubya J. Ehm at Mt. Vernon, for that amusing contribution to this column.

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