Farm shows are always a good source for column material and this story comes from the recent Four State Farm Show. Here’s a good story that the farm show staff forwarded to me from a faithful reader.
A local deputy sheriff in southeast Kansas wuz driving down highway 400 when he spied a farmer shoveling dirt into a deep ditch. Right beside him wuz the twisted remains of a very serious car wreck.
So, the deputy stops and asked the farmer why he wuz shoveling dirt into the ditch and the farmer replied that he’d been driving along minding his own bizness when a speeding car whizzed around him, the driver lost control, and slammed into the ditch. The farmer volunteered that the car wuz loaded with politicians judging from all the political materials scattered to the wind.
“Did any of them survive the crash?” the deputy asked the farmer.
The farmer replied, “Well a couple of them said they did, but you know you can’t believe anything a politician tells you, so I’m burying them all.”
My old Missouri friend, Canby Handy, is a collector of farm-related bumper stickers. He asked if I wanted to share a few of the best with my readers. Naturally, I said, “yes.” So, here they are (many of them come from fastline.com):
- How did the farmer find his wife? He tractor down,
- A cowboy blessing: May your belly never grumble. May you heart never ache. May you horse never stumble. May you cinch never break.
- There are three kinds of men: The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
- A redneck selfie stick is a pitchfork with a smart phone wedged between the tines.
- What do you call a cow that just recently had a baby? Decalfinated. (source American Cattlemen)
- Life is good when the barn is where your best memories have been made.
- Why are barns painted red? Hundreds of years ago, farmers painted their barns with linseed oil to help seal the wood and keep it from rotting. Rust was mixed with the oil to keep fungi and moss from growing on the wood. This turned the oil red and barns today are still painted red to honor that tradition.
- There’s nuthin’ scratchier than hay in your bra.
- If you wear cowboy clothes are you ranch dressing?
- Some of the best cowboys in the world aren’t boys (picture of two lovely ladies in tight jeans.)
- What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.
- I’m a secondhand vegetarian. Cows eat grass. I eat cows. (American Cattlemen)
- Everyone wants to be a cowboy ’til it’s time to do cowboy stuff in manure.
- Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? The was the pot calling the cattle back.
- What did the mama cow say to her baby calf? “It pasture bedtime.” (American Cattleman)
- Scarecrow standing next to a windrow: “This job isn’t for everyone, but, hay, it’s in my jeans.”
- You know you were a farm kid if you licked salt blocks just to see what it tastes like — and it wasn’t bad.
- You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t? Yeah, I don’t have one of those either.
- I promise I’ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
This week we’ve been taking care of our “granddog,” Sami, while her owners are four-wheeling in the high country of the Colorado Rockies. Sami is a outdoors dog trapped as a house dog. I proved it one morning when I took Sami on a run in my UTV and we passed my pond. Sami immediately jumped into the muddy water and had herself a long and pleasant swim. After that, she happily ran around in the shallow water until she wuz covered in mud. Naturally, Nevah insisted that we give Sami a good bath before she returned to the cool comfort of “her” couch.
I read about some strange things every week. My most recent “finding” is that scientists have some early signs that they have discovered micro-organisms in the “boogers” we humans harbor in our noses that can be manipulated to create new antibiotics that will be effective in controlling the staph infections that are getting resistant to all known antibiotics.
While I’m hopeful that the scientists’ research into the healing properties of boogers is successful, I’m also hoping that I don’t get enlisted to harvest boogers for them to do their research on.
I recently bought myself a new jon boat fully equipped with comfortable swivel seats to make my fall fishing expeditions more comfortable and productive. I came to the decision to buy the boat because I realized that I’m probably more apt to fall and hurt myself fishing from rocky banks than I am apt to hurt myself falling out of a boat.
Enuf drivel for one week. Remember these wise words direct from the feeble mind of ol’ Milo: It’s great to grow old with fond memories, family and friends. But, not so great to grow old with a body that wrinkles, leaks, aches and won’t mend or bend. Have a good ‘un.