By Lee Pitts
As I write this the Washington Redskins are going through very public agonizing spasms trying to come up with a new name that doesn’t offend anyone. One of the suggestions was The Washington Navajo Code Talkers, this despite the fact that Washington DC is 2,000 miles off the reservation. If Washington DC really wanted an appropriate name they’d call themselves the Washington Crooks, or the Washington Swindlers. By the time you read this the Redskins will have a new politically correct name and I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the Washington BLM Muslim Socialists. After the Redskins change their name can the Atlanta Braves, Golden State Warriors, Kansas City Chiefs and Cleveland Indians be far behind?
Frankly, there are many names of the four major professional sports that offend me. (I don’t count soccer.) We have the sexist Milwaukee Bucks but where are the Does and am I to assume that the Nashville Predators are a bunch of perverts and sexual deviants? The San Antonio Spurs are named after an instrument used to jab a horse and the animal rightists can’t be pleased about that. Perhaps they should rename themselves the San Antonio PETA’s. The Los Angeles Lakers are named after the lakes in Minnesota and I’m sure all the old hippies who enjoy baseball would much prefer the name The L.A. Draft Dodgers. New York teams are named after Giants, Knickerbockers and Yankees so to be fair shouldn’t we have The Atlanta Confederates? Perhaps the Yankees would more appropriately be called the New York Leftists and the New England Patriots, in the spirit of the day, should be called the New England Slave-Owning Patriots.
I’m sure enviros and greenies are offended by all the references to fossil fuels like the Oilers, Pistons, Flyers, and Jets. The Chargers are probably okay but don’t be surprised if they change their name in the future to the L.A. Solar Panels. And it doesn’t set a very good example for our young people to see mature adults spell team names “Sox” instead of “Socks”. We should call them the Chicago Illiterates. Speaking of Chicago, we have the Chicago Bulls but where are the Chicago Cows or Chicago Heiferettes? There are other sexes, you know? The gay community should insist that the Golden State Warriors have a sex change to The California LGBTQ’s. And while we’re being more honest, the Green Bay Packers would more appropriately be called the Monopolistic Packers, Tyson Packers, Imported Cheese Heads or The Holsteins. We have teams with several references to animals but where are the Las Vegas Vegans, Salt Lake City Vegetarians or Tampa Bay Flexitarians? Isn’t the Milwaukee Suds a much better name than the Brewers? If we’re going to name teams after alcoholic activIties where are the San Jose Winos?
There are too many teams named after bears like the Bruins, Cubs, and Grizzlies but where are The Teddy Bears and The Portland Endangered Polar Bears? There are also far too many bird names like Pelicans, Falcons, Eagles, Penguins, Blue Jays, Orioles, Cardinals, etc. But where are the Rodents? I couldn’t find a single team named after rats or mice. The Orlando Magic would be a natural as the Orlando Mice with Mickey Mouse as their mascot, and the Anaheim Ducks would sound better as The Anaheim Donald Ducks.
Several teams are named for disastrous climatic events like The Thunder, Hurricanes, Lightning, Avalanche, Heat, Earthquakes and Flames but this is the 21st century folks, where are The Phoenix Climate Changers? (The Phoenix Sunburns is more accurate than The Phoenix Suns.) There are also lots of teams named after fish like the Rays, Marlins, Sharks, etc., but where are the Monkfish, Sea Bass, Salmon, Suckers or Steelheads? The Miami Dolphins would be more politically correct as the Miami Dolphin-Free Tunas and following recent protests, Seattle’s Seahawks should be changed to The Seattle Communists.
I’m outraged I could find only one team named after snakes and one after insects.
We have the New Jersey Devils, the Los Angeles Angels and the San Diego Padres but where are The Minnesota Lutherans, Albuquerque Catholics, L.A. Methodists, Dallas Buddhists, Ohio Muslims or Indiana Atheists? We have the Montreal Canadiens and the Vancouver Canucks but not one team is named after the United States. Wouldn’t the best name for our nation’s capital’s football team be the Washington Americans?