Viewing the Field by Milo Yield

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Well, our trip to the big city last weekend wuz rather pleasant as far as trips

to cities go. We didn’t get run over. We didn’t run over anyone. We split the card

games — men vs women — that we played with Canby and May Bea Handy. I got to

breakfast on some tasty morel mushrooms. We found some usable golf balls in

Canby’s pasture that borders a golf course. My alma mater, Bea Wilder U., had a

successful spring football game.

The only thing that dampened our trip somewhat wuz the chilly, damp

weather that stayed in the 50s. I also wuz disappointed that the giant outdoors

outfitter that I shopped in didn’t have the three things I wanted to buy amongst the

hundred thousands of items it had for sale.

I wanted to buy a Primos Boost hearing protection headset, a Zebco 33T

fishing reel, and some Swimming Minnow soft plastic lures. Nada! Zip! Doesn’t

handle the brands of hearing protector or the lures, and, I guess, Zebco has quit

making the 33T reel that I’ve been partial to for more than 55 years. The 33T has a

trigger line release that I love to use so I can seamlessly cast right-handed and reel

left handed. Dang the luck.

However, despite the fact that I couldn’t buy the stuff I really wanted, I still

managed to buy about $100 of stuff that I probably don’t need. But, I’ll look sharp

fishing in my new camo walking shorts when my life-long buddy, ol’ Albie Kirkie,

arrives this weekend for a four days of hard fishing.

In a small agribusiness office that I frequent, they have an answering

machine that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell any

difficult words.

I wuz in the office sipping coffee one Monday just after 8 a.m. and the

secretary was reviewing the weekend messages and she heard an enthusiastic

client recite name and address and then confidently offer, “My difficult word is

lespedeza … L-E-S-P-E-D-E-Z-A.”

In a Missouri wildlife conservation office, the phone rang about three p.m.

and this conversation ensued:

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Husband: “I went turkey hunting with my wife early this morning and we

had a spat and she walked out of the woods to my truck and drove off. She’s been

missing for several hours.

Conservation Officer: “What is her height?”

Husband: “Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.”

Officer: “Weight?”

Husband: “Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat. Just somewhere in the

middle.”

Officer: “Color of eyes?”

Husband: “Sort of brown, I think. Never really paid much attention.”

Officer: “Color of hair?

Husband: “Changes once a month. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t

remember.”

Officer: “What was she wearing?”

Husband: “She was wearing camo when she went in the woods, but she had a

change of clothes in my truck, so I have no idea what she’s wearing now.”

Officer: “You said she left in your truck. What kind of truck did she drive off

in?”

Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine

special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It

has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket

bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and ‘Bubba’ floor mats. Trailering package

with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation,

satellite radio receiver, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four

power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom

running boards and indirect wheel well lighting. (At this point the husband starts

choking up.)

Officer: “Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.”

The editor of a small town weekly newspaper decided to do a story on a local

ranch woman who was preparing for her 104th birthday.

The reporter asked the birthday girl all the normal questions about the

factors that she contributed to her longevity and then concluded the interview with

this final question: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?”

The birthday girl simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

From an Iowa friend, I got these unattributed words of wisdom:

• Every one has a photographic memory, but most don’t have film.

• A day without sunshine is, well, like night.

• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

• And, (the best for last), I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar

territory.

That last one describes me to a T. So, go out and have a good ‘un.

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