I know how much ag folks detest having to divulge so much personal and economic information to rural census takers. However, the ultimate finished national Census of Agriculture does provide a lot of useful information about rural America, even though it’s a pain in the backside on a personal level.
On occasion, however, something funny or surprising happens to rural census takers. Here’s one such humorous census happening.
***
A census taker in a rural area, ol’ Tally M. Hall, went up to the front door to a rural farmhouse and knocked.
When the farm wife came to the door, Tally explained the purpose of his visit, and then proceeded down his list of questions for the information he wuz instructed to gather.
Finally, he got to getting a family head count. So, Tally asked the farm wife how many children she had and their ages.
The farm wife started out, “Well, let’s see now, there’s the fraternal twins, Sally and Billy, they’re 18. And the other fraternal twins, Seth & Beth, they’re 15. And there’s the identical twin sisters Penny and Jenny. They’re 13. And then there’s the youngest identical twins, Nettie and Bettie, they’re 10.”
“Hold on a second,” Tally interrupted, “That’s amazing. Did y’all get twins every time?”
The farm wife thought for a moment and then replied, “Heck, no, I reckon there were hundreds of times we didn’t get nothin’.”
***
This is the time of the year when ranchers have a lot of “chute work” getting cows and calves vaccinated, bull calves castrated, all calves ear tagged, cows pregnancy checked, and cow-calf pairs hauled or driven to pastures. Often a local veterinarian is employed to help with the chute work.
Well, in this story, the veterinarian wuz Dr. C. Lange Itshutt, and he stationed himself at the head-gate of the electric squeeze chute. Then, after he’d loudly catch a cow in the chute, he’d head for the rear of the chute to preg check the cow.
Well, the process wuz running smoothly until the rancher called out to Lange, “Here comes ol’ Lightning. Watch out for her.”
The cow hit the head-gate and rattled it loudly, and Lange called out to the rancher, “Why did you name this cow Lightning?”
“Well,” the rancher replied, “we used to call her Daisy ’til we tried to get her calf to suck last spring. Then we changed it to Lightning. She never strikes in the same place twice.”
Back in the day, I’ve handled a few cows like ol’ Lightning.
***
A farmer told his neighbor about a huge fight he and his wife had gone through the night before.
“How’d that turn out for you?” the neighbor inquired caustically.
“She came crawling to me on her hand and knees,” the farmer replied.
“What did she say to you? Did she apologize?” the neighbor persisted.
“Nope, She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little coward,'” the farmer replied sheepishly.
***
June is the month known for weddings. So, this rural wedding story is timely and appropriate. I’m told it happened close to Prairie Grove, Arkansas, but I have my doubts about its veracity. Regardless, here’s the story.
Toward the end of school in May, a third grader in a rural elementary school told his teacher that his big brother wuz going to get married in June and that he wuz gonna be the ring-bearer.
So, his teacher thought it might be a good time to have some class interaction about weddings. So, she asked her Grade 3 class, “How many wives should a man have?”
All the kids, but one, put up their hands and answered “one.”
The teacher noticed one boy who didn’t put up his hand and asked. “Do you have a different answer.”
“Yep,” the kid replied. “It’s 16.”
“That’s an unusual number. How do you figure that?” asked the teacher.
“Well,” the kid replied, “I was at my cousin’s wedding just a week ago and the minister said to my cousin as he looked at his bride: ‘4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.'”
***
The other day at the daily Old Geezer Gathering and Gossip Group’s afternoon
Gabfest, one guy ruminated, “My grass needs mowing. But, I can’t decide whether to go home and cut it or go home and take a nap. I think I’ll mow my lawn.”
That’s when I sagely replied, “You know, the grass you don’t mow today will still be there to mow tomorrow, but the nap you don’t take today will not be there to take tomorrow.”
I think those words are profound enuf to end this column with.
Have a good ‘un.
