Attending an auction sale in farm and ranch country is a fine opportunity to buy “stuff” that you do need, or, more likely, “stuff” that you don’t need.
Sometimes, your bidding get that “stuff” bought at bargain prices. Other times, you end up shaking your head in disbelief at the price you ended up paying because you nodded your head one too many times to the silver-tongued auctioneer’s chant.
However, an excellent side-benefit to attending an auction is the opportunity it provides for people watching. If you’ve attended as many auction sales as I have, I’m sure you’ve seen as many humorous or strange “Auction Antics” as I have. This column will relate a few of those auction antics that I’ve either been a part of or heard about. I think they are all mostly true auction happenings.
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One auction antic related by one of the old geezers at our daily gabfest happened years ago at a farm auction where the early bidding on the junk wuz going slower than the auctioneer wanted. So, he deemed it necessary to liven up the proceedings a bit.
And, he had a plan on how to do it. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a plain white envelope. He held it into the air for everyone in attendance to see and proclaimed, “I’ve got here a genuine, $20 bill that I’m putting up for auction.”
Then he opened up his chant and took the first bid for $5, then $10, then 15, and then the bidding stopped at $20. He had his buyer/sucker. When he handed the bid winner the envelope, the guy opened it up and found a $20 bill to be paid from the local hardware store.”
The bid-winner knew he’d been taken in, but took the prank in good humor. And, the prank put everyone in a good humor and the regular bidding immediately picked up.
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My fishing buddy, ol’ Castin Crankitt, wuz the 16th of 17 kids born into a Minnesota family. He tells an auction tale about one of his brothers and sisters-in-law.
They were attending a local antique/furniture auction and the sale dragged on and on. So, they were not together when the auctioneer started selling the piece of furniture they hoped to buy. The bidding wuz brisk and the winning bid breezed right on by the price they’d mutually agreed to pay.
Eventually, folks in the crowd started chuckling out loud. Then the auctioneer broke into a big grin. It turns out that the hubby and wife had run the price up by bidding against each other. In the end, they not only had their piece of furniture, but also a treasured family memory.
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At one time in my life, I was a frequent buyer at the premium auction sales of 4-H and FFA livestock that happen at the end of county fairs.
I wuz attending one such premium youth auction in August. It wuz hot enough in the sale ring to melt marshmallows. It wuz back in the days before digital watches and I wuz wearing a wrist watch with a metal band that wuz a bit too loose. I wuz sitting on the front row in a short-sleeved shirt and I wuz irritated at the sweat pouring from beneath the metal watch band.
So, I gave my wrist a vigorous shake and simultaneously heard the auctioneer, ol’ Hayes T. Speaker, cry “SOLD.”
Yep, he’d taken the final bid from the shake of my sweaty wrist and I wuz now the proud owner of some 4-Her’s ribbon-winning pig. I never acknowledged my mistake, but just acted like it wuz an intentional bid.
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One of the funniest Auction Antics I’ve ever seen happened at a Quail Unlimited fund-raising auction. At this particular QU banquet, the evening opened with free bar drinks. The clear purpose wuz to get folks well lubricated before the auction started. And, the tactic worked.
After everyone had feasted, the live auction started and the bidding wuz brisk and the prices high. At a table near me, a bunch of younger guys in their 20s were sitting with their wives or girlfriends. It wuz a boisterous group.
Well, about midway through the auction a group of beautiful head paintings of 20 different duck species came up for sale. The small paintings were well-done and would make some hunter a fine collection. The auctioneer plainly noted before the bidding started that the bidding wuz for a single painting and the final bid would me multiplied times 20 for the total amount owed.
When the bidding started, one young fellow at the nearby table, enthusiastically ran the bid up to $15 and he won the auction. Then the auctioneer announced that the total wuz $15 x $20 or $300.
At that announcement, the bidder complained loudly, “I thought my bid wuz for all the paintings.” “Nope,” the auctioneer replied, “it’s $300.”
That’s when the memorable Auction Antic happened. The bidder’s wife promptly grabbed him by his ear-lobe and escorted him right out the front door, never to be seen again that night. After an embarrassing few moments, the auctioneer said, “Well, I guess we’ll re-open the bidding.”
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At a farm auction I attended in my youth, the auctioneer wuz a fun-loving type who could liven up auctions. His clerk wuz a dapper banker who was wearing what I call an Irish cow-patty cap.
The auction opened with the miscellaneous sale of items stacked on a hay rack. The auctioneer stood on the hay rack and his clerk wuz on the ground in front of him. One item for sale wuz a hand-clipper for clipping a horse’s mane or fitting a sheep.
The auctioneer held the clippers aloft and proclaimed, “Boys. These are sharp enuf to get the job done.” He then reached down, pulled the Irish cap off of his banker clerk, lifted a tuft of the clerk’s hair and cleanly snipped the end of it off.” Needless to say, the crown roared with laughter. The auction brightened up. I don’t recall that the clerk did.
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Words of wisdom for the week come from a bumper snicker: “Life is short. Make sure you spend as much time as possible on the internet arguing with strangers about politics.”
Have a good ‘un.
