We hear a lot about our carbon footprint but so far no one has come up with a formula or algorithm to calculate it. It’s not as easy as just buying a pair of Birkenstocks and trading in your Cadillac for a Smart Car.
We’re told that the goal of all of us should be to become “carbon neutral”, or “net zero”. If we don’t we’re told the ice caps will melt and Polar Bears will have to relocate to Detroit and Los Angeles. San Francisco and Portland will be flooded away. There could be some negative consequences too.
The day is rapidly approaching when your carbon footprint score will be more important than your credit score. You’ll try to buy a fossil powered car and the salesman will be forced to say, “Sorry, we’d like to sell you this car but your carbon footprint is already bigger than Sasquatch’s.”
For the first time someone (me) has figured out a way to calculate your carbon footprint. Here’s my formula: Everyone starts out at net zero, in other words, you use up as much carbon as you produce. If your carbon footprint score is less than net zero that’s good, whereas a carbon footprint score larger than net zero means you’re a revolting pariah and socially undesirable.
If you drive a Tesla, Volt or Prius you’re off to a good start, provided of course you remembered to plug your car in. Subtract 50 points for every electric car or truck you own despite the fact the electricity it runs on was actually produced by nuclear power or natural gas. If you drive a gas powered truck with a bed large enough to hold two Smart Cars add 50 points. Also add ten points for every foot your truck is off the ground because it makes the drivers of diminutive electric cars like the Ioniq, Ariya, Lyriq, Lucid, Crosstrek and Euv’s nervous. (For every misspelled electric car you own subtract another 50 points.)
If you voted for Donald Trump for President add 100 points to your score. Also add 30 points for every time you stayed in one of his hotels, played one of his golf courses, gambled at one of his casinos, watched his TV show called The Apprentice, or attended one of his MAGA rallies. Also add 50 points if you are a registered Republican. Conversely, subtract 50 points if you are a Democrat. Subtract another 50 points if you still have the Biden/Kamala bumpersticker on your car. That takes real courage to admit to it.
If you are a member of Greenpeace, the Sierra Club, PETA, World Wildlife Fund or Black Lives Matter subtract another 50 points from your carbon score. Also subtract dollar for dollar any extra money you’ve given to these organizations.
Add 25 points to your carbon score for every child in your family more than 2.2 children, which is the amount we would need to maintain a stable population, if hordes weren’t crossing into the U.S. via our southern border. Celebrities with 19 or 20 kids who have their own TV show on cable are exempt. Ditto famous actors who have their own jets and often go places in them to preach to people about lessoning their carbon footprint accompanied only by their pilot, co-pilot and mistress.
If you have solar panels on your roof subtract 50 points even if they are blocked by the Mangrove trees you planted Subtract another 10 points for every tree you planted. You can also subtract 10 points for every pound of Beyond Meat or Impossible Beef burger you’ve consumed. (Not just purchased but actually eaten.) Speaking of beef patties, add 25 points each for every cow you own that leaves behind little cow patties of carbon to decompose. For every Big Bird Blender windmill on your property that is busy producing clean energy while slicing and dicing endangered bird species subtract another 50 points.
To reduce your carbon footprint score even further you can subtract 20 points for every time you watch Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth”. Don’t forget to subtract the same amount from your IQ too!
Once you die and your carcass is buried in the ground where it can decay and rot away gracefully, CONGRATULATIONS, you have now officially achieved net zero and are carbon neutral.
Now that wasn’t that hard, was it?
