A Real Endangered Species

Riding Hard

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As a typical prey species I want to return to the last place where I felt comfortable and safe but that was in my hometown in 1956 when I was just five years old. Now I’m an endangered species and I feel the world closing in around me.

Here’s how really rare I am. I don’t own a cell phone, I’ve never twittered or tweeted, exposed myself on Facebook and have no idea what an Instagram is. I don’t Hulu or Peacock, I’ve never watched porn on You Tube nor placed a bet with Draft Kings. I rarely watch television and haven’t been inside a movie theater in over 15 years. I’ve only played a video game one time in my life and it turns out I was just as bad a golfer in cyberspace as I was on real estate.

I’ve never tasted plant-based meat, pheasant under glass, white truffles, Beluga caviar or psychedelic mushrooms. I’ve never smoked marijuana, cigarettes or a cigar. The only pills I’ve taken were prescription meds and Advil. I haven’t tasted a beer in 33 years or any other alcoholic drink for that matter. I’ve never had a Mimosa, tasted tequila, Jack and Coke or a craft beer. I’ve been tipsy probably twice in my life and it shames me to admit it.

I still write thank-you notes on stationary and mail them with a stamp. I don’t owe a penny except for my one credit card which my wife pays off religiously every month. My car is 15 years years old but I can’t drive it due to my propensity to have seizures. I’ve never killed anybody that I know of.

My wife and I have never hired a gardener, a cleaning lady or a handyman. We paint our own house and mowed our own lawns. I can still lay down a pretty bead with an old arc welder, I keep my knives razor sharp and my tools rust-free.

I am not represented by any of the letters in LGBTQ+ and have been married to the same wonderful woman for 50 years. I’ve never had a mistress or an affair. I don’t have a single tattoo or body piercing and have not done anything to prevent my loss of hair. Hair plugs or a toupee would be a big waste of money because I wear a ball cap or a cowboy hat 90% of my waking hours.

I’m not an Eagle, Lion or Elk nor do I belong to any other organization. I’ve never put a bumper sticker on the back of my car or truck. I did try to join my county cattlemen’s but they said they never got the check. I guess I didn’t meet their high standards. I’ve never been in jail nor have I served on a trial, although I did show up for jury duty every time I was asked. I’ve had lunch and a great conversation with a President (he was our governor at the time) and I’ve voted in every election except for the one year we lived in Australia. I’ve never been to a Super Bowl but I’ve been to several NFR’s. Likewise, I’ve never been to an opera but I would have loved to have heard Johnny Cash at the Opry.

The Post Office hasn’t delivered a package from Amazon to my house in months, there are no solar panels on my roof, I still write longhand and do most math in my head. I read extensively which has been one of the great joys of my life. I thoroughly enjoyed raising both cattle and sheep.

I demand reparations because my father’s family were Okies and were poorly treated once they got to California. And doctors have been trying to kill me for 32 years now. The Feds already own land the size of India but I think they should carve out a refuge for me and stop all this harassment. There’s a 6,000 acre ranch I’ve had my eye on for a long time that would do quite nicely.

I am a totally unique, one of a kind animal who is definitely endangered. There’s never been another like me, nor will there ever be again. And I know the many people I’ve offended in the past 40 years of writing a weekly column will be real happy about that.

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