Drought magnet

Laugh Tracks in the Dust

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Apparently, I’m a “drought magnet.” Today, rural Chase County, Kansas, where I used to live, is getting a good soaking — four inches or rain or more. All of eastern Kansas is getting rain. But, here in Riley, Kan., just a drizzle. We are just a smidgen west of all the rain.

And, my newly-seeded fescue lawn seed is still laying there in the dust, waiting for enuf rain to get it sprouted and growing. Guess, my only lawn play is to dig out the sprinklers and start mechanically watering my new yard. Thankfully, our new well seems to have a plentiful supply of good water.

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Children seem to have innumerable ways to confound their parents and grandparents. Here’s a good example:

A 6-year-old farm girl sassed back at her mother and her mother decide the best way to punish her daughter for her impertinence was to make her sit alone in the mother’s dark clothes closet until she apologized.

And that’s what happened. After shutting the closet door on her belligerent daughter, Mom waited outside the door, but could hear nuthin’ but sputtering.

After a few minutes of sputtering, it got uncomfortably quiet in the closet — so much so that Mom got concerned, opened the door, and peered inside.

“What are you doing in there that you’re so quiet,” inquired Mom.

Her resolute and belligerent daughter replied, “Well, I spit on your new dress first. Then I spit in your new shoes. Then I spit on your house robe. And, now I’m waiting for more spit.”

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Another rural kid story. A little farm boy went to visit his grandmother and she took him to her little rural church with her. The grandmother taught the children bible school class that day. That Sunday the topic was what children could learn from the book of Job in the Bible. When the class was over, she asked if anyone in the class could recite a Bible verse about Job from memory.

Grandmother was quite proud when her grandson volunteered. But her pride quickly dissipated when the boy stood up and blurted, “Take this Job and shove it.”

***

And, still a third kid’s story. On the first day of school, a rural kindergarten boy was asked by his teacher to put his right hand over his heart and recite the Pledge of Allegiance.

But, his teacher noticed that the lad put his hand behind his back on his little butt.

The teacher asked the lad why he put his hand behind his back rather than over his heart.

She could barely stifle a guffaw when the kid replied, “Every time Grandma comes to see me, she pats me back there and says, ‘Bless your little pea-pickin’ heart.”

***

A rancher was attending his beef industry association’s convention in a big city. He was astounded at the expense that attending the convention was setting him back financially.

One evening he went into the hotel restaurant for a steak. He noticed the menu stated, “In this fine business, if you order a fresh egg, you get the freshest egg in the world. If you order hot coffee, you’ll get the hottest coffee in the world.”

When the waiter brought him the “small” steak that he’d ordered, he became acutely aware of the truth in the restaurant’s menu advertising.

***

Deer season is just around the corner. That makes this little story have a grain of truth in it.

A Missouri farmer yelled at his daughter. “I see a traveling salesman coming up the road. Better get into the house for safety’s sake.”

His daughter peered down the road and told her Pa, “That ain’t no salesman. That’s a deer hunter.”

That’s when her Pa said, “That’s even more reason to get in the house for safety sake. And, I’ll bring in the milk cow, too.”

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We are slowly getting settled into our new home. We even had our first overnight guests last weekend — Canby and May Bea Handy, from Platte City, Mo. We had a great time, eating BBQ brisket, playing cards, and catching up on our gabbing.

Our house in in pretty good order. Boxes unpacked. Have a lot of wall hangings up, but more to hang yet. It’s now looking like a home, not a house.e

The garage is a mess, but after I get shelving bought, it’ll begin to shape up.

***

Words of wisdom for the week: “Getting a college degree costs a fortune these days. But, getting that sheepskin does produce three very proud people — the student, his momma and his pauper.”

Have a good ‘un.

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