New Old Geezer Gang

Laugh Tracks in the Dust

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Folks, I’ve joined a new gang of old geezers here in Riley. I’ve dubbed it the Old Geezer Gang of Gossip, Gospel and Government. The loosely-knit group meets every morning at the local Short Stop convenience store to sip coffee, share local “doings” and discuss and debate any topic that happens to arise that morning. Quite a few members simultaneously work to enhance their retirement by winning scratch-off Kansas Lottery tickets.

It wuz quite an exclusive debate society to join. I invited myself in and wuz heartily accepted. However, to become a full-fledged member required that I buy one $5 pan of cinnamon rolls made by an enterprising local lady who runs the Fork in the Road store.

So far, the group has not solved a single local, state, national or global problem. But we’ve put forth a lot of worthy suggestions. What I’ve really appreciated is learning about Riley’s citizens and history from folks who’ve lived here all or most of their lives.

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Readers will recall my occasional rant — as a red/green colorblind person — about manufacturers always using red/green lights to show stop and go. I’ve mentioned that the use of red/blue contrasting lights would be quite helpful for us colorblind folks.

Well, I’m happy to say that the Insignia brand of headphones — to help my 80-year-old ears hear television better — features red/blue on-off and battery charge buttons. Now, if I could just coax the folks who make traffic lights to put a little blue dot in the middle of the red light, I’d make a major contribution to traffic safety.

***

Once again I’ve immunized myself against both the flu and Covid. In the last two weeks, I got both vaccinations. I didn’t hesitate for a moment in making the decision. Vaccines have kept me alive for four-score years. Once again, no reactions to either shot.

***

Along the same vein of thought about old geezers and hearing, two old farmers were arguing. One fellow seemed to be doing most of the talking and he went on and on while the other tried unsuccessfully to slide an occasional word in edgewise.

Finally, when it seemed as if the talker was about to run out of words and the other old fellow could get his chance, the geezer who wuz flapping his jaw summed up his argument vehemently and, with a flourish, turned off his hearing aid.

***

Back in the day of the one-room rural schoolhouse, a teacher was having daily trouble with an unruly boy in the sixth grade. It got so bad that she decided to stop by the boy’s home and speak to his parents about their undisciplined son.

When she knocked on the door, the unruly boy answered the knock. The teacher asked to speak to his mother or father.

“They was here,” the kid replied, “But, now they ain’t. They’s gone.”
“Where,” demanded the teacher, “is your grammar!”

“She’s taking a nap,” the kid replied as he slammed the door.

***

A lazy farm boy, fresh after high school graduation, tired of doing farm chores, so he got a job at a local agri-manufacturing plant.

After several weeks of totally shirking on the job, finally the kids boss called him into his office and said, “Son, do you know you are mentioned in the Bible?”

“Really,” replied the kid. “How so?”

“Yep,” said his boss. “It says in the Bible, ‘The Lord made every creeping thing.’ That saying pretty much nails your work performance so far. You’d better pick up the pace if you want to keep this job.”

***

I doubt the astute members of Congress will ever come to an agreement on a new farm bill.

So, I have a suggestion for the stalemated Congress.

Introduce a “truth in packaging” law that applies to government agencies. I propose that the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s truthful name should be “The Department of Consumers, Reformers, Regulators, Activists and the Poor.”

***

A farmer came home from buying feed in town and told his wife, “I nearly hit a jaywalker from San Diego when I was in town this morning.

His wife skeptically asked, “And just how do you know the jaywalker was from San Diego?“

The farmer replied, “After I missed him and he got on the sidewalk, he hollered something to me about the sun and the beach.”

***

It was a so-so weekend for my favorite football teams. The teams at my two alma maters — Bea Wilder U I and Bea Wilder U II — both won. But the KC Chiefs laid an egg and lost to the Philly Eagles. My college basketball teams won a big one and lost a close one.

***

Words of wisdom for the week: “If you want to buy an inexpensive mixed green salad in these inflationary days, use fives, tens and twenties.”

“Communism is the system where everybody always shares equally in getting the short end of the stick. Capitalism, when it is working well, is the system that makes the sticks longer.”

“Just be glad you’re not getting all the government you’re paying for.”

Have a good ‘un.

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