The liberals who’ve been trying to legislate the weather lately now say that we are facing a “national climate emergency” and to hear them rant and rave it’s all the cow’s fault. Universities and greenie groups are insisting that we need net-zero cows so we won’t face “the sixth mass extinction”. These net-zero cows will be “more climate friendly” because they’ll contribute zero methane, but one wonders, what would a net-zero cow look like?

Believe it or not there are efforts afoot to come up with an EPD that ranchers can use to breed less gaseous cows. It’s been predicted that such an EPD might be five years away but it could be accelerated if a corporation like McDonalds suddenly wants beef from climate friendly cattle. Then the Big Four packers will supposedly pay a premium to ranchers who produce net-zero cattle. So instead of breeding for cattle that taste good, grow fast and efficiently, and calve easily we will all be breeding for cattle that burp less.

These new net-zero cows will probably weight 600 pounds because smaller cattle produce less methane. According to scientists net-zero cows will wear an on-board digester gas mask on their face. But if the gas mask covers the cow’s entire face how will they eat? Without any feed the cows will die making them net-zero because dead cows don’t burp all that much. This would really please the greenies who dream of ridding the world of cows.

Although this is counterintuitive, we’re told that cattle on grass actually produce 20% more methane than cattle in a feedlot. Grasses supposedly produce more methane than corn. So we can’t just spray the feed in a feedlot bunk with bicarbonate of soda because we have not addressed what we’re going to do about the grazing of cows. I checked on-line and Gas Ex Maximum is $17.99 per bottle and Beano Ultra 800 is $20.79 so we’d need one endless line of tanker trucks full of products like Pepto Bismol, Extra Strength Mylanta or Imodium to spray all the grasslands in America. I suppose you could distribute it in a block form but it’s hard enough to get cows to lick their mineral block so I don’t think they’ll be lining up to dine on the Kaopectate Extra Strength Gas Relief block.

Speaking of things cows wont eat, seaweed isn’t exactly the cow’s version of filet mignon and yet it has also been put forth as another answer to gaseous cows. Because I live by the ocean I gathered up a bunch of prime fresh seaweed and dumped in front of 100 nearly starving cows. Not only would they not eat the wet seaweed they peed and pooped on it to show their disdain. They wouldn’t touch the dried seaweed either. And not many cows are raised right on the ocean so there’ would be the additional cost of transporting the stuff. I guess you could make the seaweed in bolus or pill form but who wants to gather their cows everyday to come up with a solution in search of a problem?

Another way a rancher might produce net-zero cows is by leasing out his or her land for solar arrays and windmills and acquiring carbon credits in that manner. Their remaining cows will produce just as much methane as always but the rancher will be able to make his cattle net-zero with the greenie’s stamp of approval.

Of course wealthy ranchers will do what big corporations do when faced with the questionable climate change crises: they’ll just buy carbon credits on carbon trading platforms to make Wall Street con artists and former Vice President Al Gore even richer.

Personally, I think the idea that our cows can cause the climate to change half way around the world is the biggest con game since The Sting. If you don’t think so consider this: I looked at several sources and their guess as to how much the methane produced by cows contributed to global warming. The answers varied from three percent to thirty percent! So it’s not exactly settled science and breeding for net-zero cows with the use of an EPD for methane production is the dumbest idea I’ve heard of since the motorized ice cream cone.

It’s like treating a cold with chemo.

I looked around the cafe, saw that the rancher’s table was filled and then noticed there was a seat at the farmer’s table, so I considered joining them. I mean how bad could it be? So I went over to the dark side and asked the clodhoppers if they’d mind if I joined them?

“Sure, pull up a seat,” said farmer #1. “We have no prejudices here. Your ball cap may advertise a bull while mine advertises a CAT. You go to Denver to see all the newest squeeze chutes, while we go to Tulare’s Farm Equipment Show to see what’s new in heavy metal.”

“Some cattlemen have Red Angus,” said farmer #2, “and we have red tractors.”

“Yeah,” chimed in farmer #3, “We have a lot in common with you cow pokes. You have trouble finding good cowboys while we have trouble finding good tractor jockeys. And we’re both in a bad mood when we pour out the rain gauge and four inches of dust falls out.”

“And we’ve been invaded with imports,” said farmer #4. “You have Charolais from France, Simmental from Switzerland and Kobe from Japan while we have Kubota’s from Japan, Argo made in Europe and even some John Deere tractors made in China. America is dominated by John Deere Green while Registered Black Angus wear the pants in your family.”

I countered, “But many of our black Angus are bred to cattle of another breed.”

“Are you kidding, farmers invented crossbreeding,” said farmer #4. “Have you ever heard of a tangelo, a limequat or an orangelo?”

“Yeah, chimed in farmer #1, “and it’s a common sight in farm country to see a green John Deere pulling a blue New Holland baler. If that’s not crossbreeding I don’t know what is.”

“I’ll tell you what it is,” said the grumpy Oliver guy. “It’s heresy. That’s what it is!”

“That’s just because you’re so red that you own 35 antique Oliver tractors,” said the county extension agent who’d joined us. “There’s another difference between farmers and ranchers. You don’t see ranchers preserving taxidermy bulls or entering them in the Fourth of July parade. Generally, ranchers don’t have huge shops with bridge cranes, milling machines, expensive tool chests filled with Snap-On tools and piles of used tires everywhere. And you won’t find any horses on farms much any more, except in Amish country.”

“Now that I think of it,” I said, “ranchers and farmers do have some equipment in common. “We’re both starting to use drones, there’s usually a Bobcat or a mini-excavator on most big ranches and we both use ATV’s. And all of us are just like firefighters in that we’re always putting out fires. My bull might be shooting blanks while you’re tractor may not start. A rancher might have to get up in the middle of the night to check the bred heifers while a vegetable farmer checks on pumps and generators around the clock.”

“Yeah, I suppose we do have a lot in common,” said farmer #2. “We both read the farm papers to check on prices and read the classified ads, and all of us have to worry about being sued into insolvency for salmonella and e coli. And the product of our toil is hauled to market by Peterbilt’s and KW’s. We both drive pickups to check on water and many of us have equipment we use only once a year, farmers their harvesters and ranchers their scales. All of us pay attention to hay prices and many ranchers stoop so low as to grow their own. We both like auctions where farmers buy big tractors and ranchers buy young bulls and old cows. Both farmers and ranchers take out big bank loans to pay for everything and we both have no idea how we’ll ever pay it back. And farmers and ranchers get paid just once a year. If we’re lucky.”

By the end of breakfast with the crazy cultivators I had gained a new appreciation for them and we slowly formed an uneasy truce. And I found myself eating breakfast with them more and more often because my old rancher buddies had banned me from their table for associating with the sod busters. They said I’d need to get all the requisite vaccinations if I ever wanted to rejoin their table.