Get The Picture?        


Boy, we sure have come a long way since George Eastman came out with his boxed camera. Initially, to get your pictures developed you had to send the camera to the company, who they would then return it and your photos. Now cameras are everywhere and hardly a day passes without some bigshot, athlete, or cop getting brought down by a photo or recording made by someone’s smartphone. And now with the launch of drones, farmers and ranchers have to be especially good citizens every waking moment because there is seemingly no place to hide.

Generally, I’d say that there’s not too much that farmers and ranchers do that we can get in trouble for. Just remember to not venture outside without being fully clothed, don’t yell at the dog, put a lid on your can of cuss words, don’t make your kids work over half an hour without a break, and don’t get bucked off your horse or PETA will demand you be incarcerated for animal cruelty.

Also, if you pay for a BLM or Forest Service allotment don’t do anything foolish and actually turn your cattle out on it. Don’t shoot anything that is trying to eat you or your livestock either and above all, don’t shoot down the drones that are spying on you because I’ve been told they can cost upwards of $40,000 to replace. I am very concerned about one thing practically all of us do at one time or another, male or female.

It’s a very delicate matter that I’m hesitant to discuss because you may think I’m just going for some cheap laughs. But this is no laughing matter.

It’s not dirty or anything like that, well maybe just a little bit, and we all do it at one time or another. Truck drivers do it, campers do it and anyone who works outside far from civilization does it. I bet President Obama has even done it a time or two while golfing in attempting to head off a potentially explosive situation. I think by now you get my drift.

Don’t let the drones catch you taking a bio-break. Get the picture?

I’m quite confident that somewhere in Washington DC at this very moment someone is writing a rule demanding that you station a porta-potty every hundred yards on your farm or ranch. In the meantime, if you insist on daring the drones by watering the flowers or settling the dust, you could end up paying a huge fine or even losing the homeplace because you violated the Clean Waters Act. The way I read the new proposed EPA proposals the EPA could declare you a wetland or the source of a river as a result of your effluent. Worse yet, don’t let the EPA catch you in the act within three miles of a stream or you could be looking at life in prison without parole. I’m really worried that the bureaucrats will find some way to connect this natural act with global warming and then our goose really will be cooked, so to speak.

The way I see it, there are only a few options at your disposal to avoid embarrassment in this “smile and say cheese” society. To hide from the drones you could wear a mask at all times but then SWAT teams might mistake you for a terrorist. You could start wearing diapers a few decades before you thought you would but this has its whole other set of problems, like diaper rash and leaky Depends¨. I’m looking into those relief tube pilots use when they can’t find a rest room at 30,000 feet. Maybe I’ll invent a device you could attach to your saddle that would inconspicuously drain on to the ground making it look like your horse did it. Which is perfectly okay… so far.

Probably the bestoption for most of us is to just hold it and withstand the pressure until we get back to the house where you can use the facilities which probably drains into a septic tank before dispensing your discharge into the ground. Mind you, it ends up in the same place, but at least you won’t see yourself in a compromised position on You Tube, Facebook or Entertainment Tonight.


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