Keeping The Peace

Riding Hard

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As my wife and I approach our 50th wedding anniversary I know there are readers who are wondering what the secret is to our long and happy marriage and I am happy to share my wisdom in this column which I subtitled, “A Dozen Things To NEVER Do With Your Spouse”.

There were several “honorable mentions” that didn’t make the final cut such as never go on a trail ride together, roof the barn, pick out Christmas cards, shop for clothes, pack a suitcase, work in the same office or set the presets on your radio together. All good advice but here are 12 MORE important things to NEVER EVER do with your spouse.

#12- NEVER do your taxes together. You’ll end up in several skirmishes and eventually one BIG war because your wife will want to pay the IRS way too much just to be on the safe side while the husband will want to write off a “business trip” to Tahiti that could land you both in prison. Save your marriage, just hire H & R Block.

#11- NEVER get body piercings together. The wife will end up with an expensive diamond in her belly button and the man will get a nose ring so he can be lead around like a bull.

#10- NEVER cull cows together. The man, being more practical, will insist on culling every open cow while the wife will want to keep the 15 year old toothless open cow she bottle-raised as a calf.

#9- NEVER take a vacation together. For a brief vacation (which always helps the marriage) the man should go fishing in Alaska for a week with his buddies while the wife pampers herself at a spa. The wife should never go hunting with her husband because they’ll never get a deer because the expression on the deer’s face will never be right for a mount. The man should never go to Las Vegas for his vacation because what happens in Vegas never stays in Vegas.

#8- NEVER buy cattle at an auction together. Brief arguments will turn into all-out wars as the wife attempts to stop the man from bidding by holding his hands down. In front of your peers this can be embarrassing and humiliating, believe me.

#7- NEVER check the home defibrillator together. There is just too much temptation!

#6- NEVER castrate bulls together. I did this once many years ago and I’m still paying off the dental bills. It’s true that if the tail of a bull is held up and over its back the bull can’t kick the person kneeling directly behind the bull. Whenever you’re working cattle there’s always a lot of tension in the air and the wife could retaliate by easing up a little on the tail.

#5- NEVER homeschool your child together. This task should be done entirely by the wife and the child will be well-schooled in reading and writing. If the man participates at all the child will be well versed in drinking beer, hunting, welding and the history of the NFL.

#4- NEVER hook up trailer lights together. In the end the wife will get a fix-it ticket and the man will get electrocuted.

#3- NEVER attend your 50th class reunion together. If you ever see or hear of a couple getting divorced after 50 years of marriage you’ll know it’s because they went to a 50th school reunion together and old flames were fanned and fueled.

#2- NEVER watch TV together. The women will always hogs the remote control and channel surf between HGTV, TMZ, Entertainment Tonight and some sappy movie, while the man just wants to watch one game and leave it on the same channel.

#1- NEVER ride in the same vehicle together if one of the couple is driving. The passenger of the vehicle will tell the driver every little thing to do like, go slower, go faster, slow down, watch out for that pothole, don’t ride the brake, there’s not enough room to pass, stop at the next rest stop and so forth. Talk about road rage! In my humble opinion riding together as driver and passenger is the number one cause of divorce. So do what some friends of ours do and always ride in separate vehicles, even if you’re going to the same place.

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