Thank A Farm Animal  (Best Of)


“You meat eaters are all overweight,” said Ms. Veggie. “I bet you can take a shower and never get your feet wet.”

“I am not overweight, just six inches too short,” said the cowboy. “I’ll have you know that I am a light eater.”

“Yeah, the minute it gets light, you start eating.”

“Well, you vegetarians aren’t much to look at either. That wool your wearing looked better on the sheep. I am surprised that you vegetarians love nature so much after what it did to you. Have you looked in a mirror lately? Your eyes are yellow and your skin is orange. I’d cut back on the carrot juice if I were you. But if it wasn’t for hogs you’d look even worse. Did you know that make-up you are wearing came from animal byproducts?”

“I could live without make-up.”

“Yeah, but then you’d need plastic surgery and that would be impossible without cartilage from cattle and animal sutures.”

“I’ll have you know that this face has stopped many a heart.”

“Yeah, it’s a good thing they had adrenaline from livestock to get those hearts restarted. In fact, there are many farm animal byproducts that you tree huggers would have a hard time living without. including your biodegradable soap that, pardon me for saying so, isn’t working all that well. Could you please stand downwind from me? There, that’s better. You do know that cattle played a major role in the settling of the west don’t you? Those dusty trails that the steers once followed are now major highways. Your forefathers and foremothers probably traveled  on a cow trail just so you could come out here and pester us. If there had been no cattle and sheep 80% of the land in this country would serve no economic purpose. Even most of the farmers would be living in cities because much of the grain they produce is fed to livestock. There would probably be no small towns. The land would produce no property tax or grazing fees, just roaring range fires that would engulf your cities. Ask yourself, where would our culture be today without leather ball gloves and pigskin footballs.”

“Baseball and football are your ideas of culture?”

“Well then, how about violin strings and artist’s brushes? They came from farm animals too, you know? As did those leather sandals you are wearing. How would the lawns in suburbia stay green without steer manure? What would the Cub Scouts roast if they didn’t have marshmallows and hot dogs? What would you use to fertilize your organic vegetables, bat guano? Where would the sick be without insulin and estrogen?”

“Enough already. You dumb cowboys give me a pain.

“Well don’t take cortisone for it, because it came from a cow too. In fact, hundreds of products found in your drugstore have ingredients from cattle, sheep and hogs. You see, out of a 1000 pound steer only 568 pounds is the meat that you detest so much.  In fact, if your anemic blood ever failed to clot the doctors would probably save your life with a drug called thrombin. It too came from a farm animal.”

“How disgusting! I’d rather die than be saved by a cow! You cowboys are all the same. You think our society couldn’t have made it this far without you, your traditions, your cowboy ways, and your stinky cattle.”

“I’d be careful who I was calling stinky, if I were you. No, humans probably could have survived without farm animals. It’s just that you’d still be eating through your gills, or freezing to death in some cave eating roots, nuts and tree bark by candlelight. No, on second thought, the candles were made from animal tallow so you’d have been in the dark back then too.”


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